Looking through the glass..

It was Monday, right after the “Calculus End of Semester Exam”..

Off we went, on a mission…

To find …..

SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES SHOES

It was Wina’s idea at first, but I did definitely agree with that because for a long time I’ve been wanting to buy new shoes. Pretty new shoes! Just to let you know, I’m not like a reincarnation of Imelda Marcos because I don’t actually have a lot of shoes, I just had a strong will to buy new shoes at that time.

Not all of us went though (what I meant by all of us is the usual six, or what people usually know as Tante2 + Mami). It was only Wina, Hafni and I who went.

I had a mission of my own, it was to find: one colored pair, one black pair, and one white pair.

So then three of us went wandering, searching, bargaining and at the end..

1. Hafni didn’t buy anything since she only came to accompany me and Wina

2. Wina bought a pair of cute maroon peep-toe shoes that I also almost bought in a different colour

3. Myself, I got:

a. A pair of peep-toe shiny white shoes with little bows

b. A pair of red shoes with bronze linings and bows

I am satisfied because finally, I got a pair of red shoes. Just to let you know, I actually had wanted to buy a pair of red shoes for a long time (really). It was like five months ago that I had the urge to buy a pair, but I have forgotten about it for quite a while until now. At that time in which I had the urge to buy a pair of red shoes, colorful shoes hasn’t been the trend so it’s actually quite hard to find red shoes. However, I found a pair of shiny red shoes at PVJ mall which I fell in love with. I liked the but the person who was with me said to me (while I was trying them on) that the color of the shoes are too, umm, STRIKING perhaps – not in a good way (sight!!). So then as a result of me being a person who listen to people’s suggestions too much (and hey I’m a girl so I guess I have this womanly intuition in me to follow guys’ suggestions), forgot about that particular pair of shoes. And since then, also forgot my urge of buying a pair of red shoes.. until that day I finally bought one.

What is with a pair of red shoes? I am not Prilla, so definitely red isn’t my color, I don’t have many red clothes or bags (I’m more into pink I guess). However, I love red shoes just how I love my red headband and for a while I actually think that red can go with any color (where did I get that idea, I wonder).

The truth is that, every time I see red shoes, I always get reminded the story titled “The Red Shoes” by Hans Christian Andersen. Does any of you remember this story? You know, about a girl named Karen. Well if I summarize it, she wasn’t suppose to buy any red shoes but she bought a pair and when she wore those shoes, her feet couldn’t stop dancing and dancing and dancing.. until finally she got both of her cursed feet to be chopped off. Well, it’s not a typical child story I guess but remember Little Mermaid? How many fairy-tales actually allow the main character ended up not being happy herself because she sacrificed her life and love for the happiness of others (Even though at the end Disney has modified the story into a happy ending but let’s forget about that)? Hans Christian Andersen wrote the most humanly fairy tales and that’s the reason I love his works.

What I see in this story is that, the red shoes became some kind of “guilty pleasure”. Karen was not supposed to buy red shoes, but she followed her desire, and at the end she ended up cursed.( Gee, what a hard moral to put in a story for children.) Red shoes have become the symbol of guilty pleasure, desire, or even lust. I actually want to go on more about my analysis on this story but I kinda want to save it for later.

Back to my case, so yeah, I don’t love my red shoes because of the guilty pleasure, or desire, or lust that came along with it. I love them because the feeling of playful and carefree they give me when I wear them. I have only worn them once, today, for the first time, and they do make me feel like dancing or spinning around every time I walk (well that non-stop dancing part in the story wasn’t wrong).

So yeah, I <3 my red shoes!

Ever wonder why my name is Kaca? The thing is, when I was living in Australia for a while, I never felt hesitated in telling people my name because after all Australians don’t realize that it’s such an unusual name that they only comment, “That’s a nice name.” They don’t know that Kaca actually means glass or mirror. For that many years I get used to of not being asked about the origin of my name every time I introduce myself and now I’m back in Indonesia, I have to get back to get used in getting surprised responses after telling people my name.

So yeah, why exactly is my name Kaca? Well my full name is: AMIRAH KACA SUMARTO (The Sumarto bit isn’t written in the birth certificate. It’s actually my Dad’s name but my sisters and I frequently use it as family name or surname). Every time people ask me about why my name is Kaca I usually answer “I don’t know” or “Long story” for a reason that I just couldn’t be bothered. I actually know and it’s not actually a long story but there are just a lot of facts needed to be explained so I’d rather go with those two answers.

My Dad told me that he actually got the idea of naming me after seeing a “glass wardrobe” just before my Mum gave birth to me. He wanted a unique name for his first daughter and thought of the idea “Kaca”. You get the connection Almari Kaca (Glass Wardrobe) to Amirah Kaca. Well of course no one would be mean enough to give a daughter name after a glass wardrobe so my parents (along with my grandparents) modified the Almari bit into Amirah. Well, Amirah isn’t only used to replace Almari, my parents love the meaning of it. Amirah (I guess it’s Arabic) means a woman leader (I’ve heard from one of my Middle-Eastern friend – sorry I forgot the country which she came from, all I know that she speaks Arabic – told me that it also means a rich woman =D ). Combined with Kaca, they actually purpose to make my name means “a woman leader in which her people can reflect themselves on”. Now you get it!!

I have a love-hate relationship with my own name. Actually, it’s more of a love relationship now. When I was little, I got teased a lot because of my name (you know children) so at that time I wondered a lot why my parents couldn’t give me a more normal typical name. However, today, I feel a bit grateful for having that name. I love it because it is so EASILY REMEMBERED BY PEOPLE! And I also get a lot of compliment for having such a unique name. Other than that, I also get a lot of comments on it and how people make analogies on how my name could affect my personality, which I find amusing most of the time. An example is a message sent to my by a friendster user just then (you know who you are), which is the main reason why I got the idea of writing about the origins of my name in my blog, saying:

“ kaca? what an unique name…

sebuah kaca, kalo jatuh bisa pecah berantakan.

kamu, ketika jatuh ato dikecewain, pasti hatinya juga hancur berantakan… ;p

salam kenal.. A** “

Well, I get those kinds of comments a lot from people and that is just one example. There’s many people who have already made similar analogies. The truth is I feel like I have never been broke so far. I guess once I’ve been broken I must be shattered and once I’ve been shattered it’s hard to put me back together and worst of all I am capable of hurting others (we don’t want that situation surely). It’s either because I’m not very breakable as a glass or for all this time, every time I fall I always have a soft ground or mattress beneath me to prevent me from breaking (that is my dearest family and friends). However, we never know when the condition will be a hard solid ground beneath me so I would just like to say..

Please don’t drop me…

Please don’t break me…

Don’t let me fall…

Don’t let me shatter…

And if I do break, would you still put me back together?

Because after all, I am breakable…